Real World Comedy

It was only the other day that I learnt that the first recorded use of contraception was in 2000BC by the Egyptians. I can’t say why I learned the fact, just as I can’t fathom out why I still know the words to “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” twenty years or so after its release. These things seep into the brain and stick like chewing gum to a sock there to annoy one for all time. But try to remember to take the cake out of the oven or to pick up your sunglasses off the chemist’s counter… not a hope in hell.

It was not the fact that the Egyptians used contraceptives that turned my head, clever people to a man those Egyptians. No, it was what they used that made the fact stick.

Crocodile dung.

At this point on the learning curve the mind goes into overdrive. Who first discovered that crocodile dung made a good contraceptive. And how did they use it?

“Hey Cleo, that blasted crocodile has crapped in our bed again. Hmmm I wonder….”.

The importance of dung as a contraceptive was not lost on the Aztecs either. It is a little known fact that Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant

“Plenty of excrement.” Naming the poor, hapless lad in this way obviously served as a handy reminder for Cuitlahac’s father to lard on the crocodile dung in future encounters.

The gathering of crocodile dung must have been quite an adventure. There is a fair chance that crocodile dung was not available over the counter at Boots in tablet form, nor was it a question of nipping into the pub toilets and buying it in packets of three from a machine.

“Did you get them Tut?”

“Yer.”

“Hope you got the flavoured ones. What flavour did you get?”

“Crocodile.”

Images of rampant young Egyptian men swim through the mind, feverishly searching the banks of the Nile their loincloths outrageously tented by their ardour. “Here crockie, crockie.” Imaging the panic if the young man should actually find the crocodile and then realises that, as with all animals, crocodiles go to the toilet after they have eaten. Perhaps it was this thought alone that served as the contraceptive.

“Not now Nephatiti, I’ve got a headache.”

It must have crossed randy young minds that perhaps it was not only crocodile dung that would serve as a contraceptive. Many experiments with other types of dung must have taken place.

“What a fine family you have.”

“Yes, this is our eldest ‘Elephant crap is useless’ and over here we have the twins ‘Never use camel’ and ‘that bloody camel dung is rubbish’. And this little one is our youngest, ‘Hey-ho, back to the crocodile shit’.”

It has to be said that the whole notion of using crocodile dung is so fraught with improbability that I suspect that it was a ruse put about by Egyptian fathers to deter young courtiers. My suspicion is that the fathers would only grant permission for young lads to take out their daughters with the proviso that they had a lump of crocodile dung in their wallets in case they became overcome by passion. So warned the young men would wade out into the river either to become crocodile crap themselves or to realise that crocodiles only do their toilet after they have eaten. Either way the young lady would not be bothered further by the young man who would simply take himself downtown to find a young lady whose father was either not so discerning or had not heard the one about the crocodile dung.

Today, of course, ardent young men do not have to suffer the indignation of their ancient Egyptian counterparts. All that is required these days is to slip into the toilets at the local pub and feed the slim machine on the wall a couple of pound coins. Of course the draw will fail to slide open and no amount of turning the knob will cause the packet to drop. Kicking and banging the machine is not an option as this will only serve to bring attention to oneself. The result then is the same. Neither the ancient Egyptian nor the modern young man has managed to get the requisite contraception. And, if the young lady in question is sensible, this means that neither young man is going to get his proverbial end away and will have to put up with a quick hand shandy back in his own pit.

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These days, Canadians often lament the brain drain. There is a silver lining however.

What about the jerk drain? With every Air Canada plane load of brains departing Canadian shores, there are a gaggle of  jerks amongst them.   In a drunken slur they demand, “Get me another double honey!,” on their flights to London, Tokyo, and Los Angeles. Good riddance I say! And I ask you, does Stats Canada keeps statistics on how many jerks are leaving Canada and annoying those poor helpless foreign folks abroad? Are those stats in English and French?  Is the Canadian taxpayer saving money due to the flow of jerks abroad? Are any other countries exerting international pressure on Canada to stem the repugnant tide of jerks entering their nations?  I have met many jerks while abroad, and I am  proud to say that many have hailed from the Great White North.  It may be the cold, harsh winters, or the rain of the coast, but we should be happy in knowing that we produce a lot of jerks– for export.

I in fact live abroad.  Just ask my poor suffering wife of 9 years. “He’s a jerk!” states Ikumi.

There you have it. I’ve been in Japan for over eleven years and I still butcher their language.

My poor neighbours. I think some of them avoid me in embarassment–FOR ME.

I always say Japanese is such a tough language to learn, but even my five year old can speak it better than I. Guilty as charged, I’m a jerk.

Take my brother–he’s a lawyer.  I could end it right there now couldn’t I? Have you heard any good jokes lately?

… He’s been out of Canada for years now, ridding the country of a thoroughly annoying person.

This is the same guy who walks onto movie sets uninvited and gets paid to be an extra in the cocktail party

shot. Sure he’s interesting, but let’s face it mom, dad, The Law Society; he’s a jerk.  I do love him though, oh there I go again, it’s going all over my shoes!  Wait…I’ll get a tissue. Okay I’m back. Where was I? Oh yah…

Take the guy at the Thai beach hut resort, you know the really cheap ones.  At these resorts they charge next to nothing for the hut, but hope you will eat and drink in their restaurant as that’s how they make their money.  Well, this jerk wasn’t eating in the restaurant, and would only set foot in it to steal the sugars and creamers off the tables, then sneak back miserly to his hut to make his instant soup and coffee. He also stole the coconuts, another real no-no at beach resorts in general. This guy was the talk of the resort.

My brother, you remember him right? He asked discriminatingly, “What part of America is that guy from?”

“Vancouver,” was the reply. Yep, another one of Canada’s finest.

No don’t knock the jerk drain.  The UN has proclaimed Canada  the most liveable nation on the planet for a few years now.  I think it may be because we are relatively jerk free as compared to say America.

The other thing is,  when Canadian Jerks Abroad, (The CJA) act like jerks in London or Paris, no one thinks we’re Canadians! We can’t even tarnish Canada’s image correctly! “Go back to America!” is what we frequently hear.  I never correct them!

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Anecdotes and Wisdom, Wit, Humor, Satire, Quotes, Jokes of the late witty Orhan Seyfi Ari

Fedai, Halkin Sesi -27 Dec. 92

… He always wore a smile…

In his articles little stories, jokes, humor, satire, made witty teacher thinker poet Orhan Ari’s [died 1992] points social, intellectual, political, spiritual, philosophical.

Diplomatic communiques were like broadcasting live on the radio a match between two boxers Abdi and Bandinelli, and announcing the winner as Abdinelli…

World’s troubles.. asthmatics’d become deep sea divers.

Never too late to change one’s mind, to make a start?! A driver rolling down a cliff deciding to drive carefully!?

Ignorant we all were -some, even of their ignorance…

Irrelevancy was a natural common refuge of man ~”You’ve gone bald!” he joked with a friend who responded, “Ha! As if your son’s got more hair than I!”

Perseverance was a matter of whether one had a better purpose than a rope denting the stone of a well or will stronger than little delicate plants’ shooting, growing, through cracks of concrete country pavements.

Whined a friend “Missed my train.. only five minutes late!” He said “You’d’ve also if you were 5 seconds late.”

Referendums often asked if the patient preferred the blanket to cover the feet by exposing the behind.

Evolution.. “we were apes”.. weren’t we, now, ‘man’!?

Reincarnation.. whoever died first would inform the other ~one died -a bird flew in through the window -”My friend –letting me know” reasoned the other.

Justifications of some reminded of a teenager he’d given a booklet: ‘smoking kills early.’ He was shown a newspaper: an old man was a smoker.

Relationships were like using a mirror: could one make faces expecting to see a smiling image?

Avoidance of issues often was avoidance of embarrassment ~”Why’s that?” asks the child –the parent replies “Oh look, a bird.. flying!”

Skill was in building things –any fool could wreck them…

Spiritual concern needless? Babies in wombs not knowing what next did consider needless limbs…

Cheap goods to buy only the wealthy could afford.

Strength didn’t necessarily suffice ~”I am a boxer!” threatened one –the other laughed “I am a runner!..”

Importance was relative ~a farmer’d talked on sowing, reaping –a farm boy bragged “Exactly 99 flies sat on our cow as he talked –I was counting them.”

Society the individuals comprised of  ~but each lamb at the abattoir hung by its own legs.

Obedience had to be understood the reason for, else it backfired ~”Musn’t practise drums without asking!” parent told child practising during siesta –child woke  parent up to ask if could…

Assumption that what didn’t glitter wasn’t gold, not of value? Like platinum –even rarer, more precious!?

Explanations of some were like a co-op shop saying a folding fan broke because it was fanned, or ant repellent should be put into ants’ eyes.

Politics external were like a native saying “Hurry up” and an alien responding “Harry no up –is downstairs.”

God perhaps did not exist -but what if He did..?!

Elixir.. cure for all ailments, people bought well ~the tank emptied –it was refilled with tap water.

Clean would a missionary who’d not heard of nonwhites a black boy ~and scraped the boy’s skin off…

Brave.. criticising cowards –a bang was heard, all took cover, later worrying where he was –eventually he appeared:  “Pooh, that frightened y’all..!?”

Test another to, they asked “Can you think of a word that’s shorter than but sounds like ‘sugar’?” -were told “Sure” ~asked “What is it, then..?”

Better than a dog that’s bit one.. by getting on all fours to bite it back!?

Life said someone was like a glass of wine, many  applauded ~one asked “I don’t see how?” -was told “Well.. perhaps it isn’t, then.”

Talent another’s had –one’s own wasn’t exactly Rin-Tin-Tin, the acting dog, was it?!  How true.. that was trained!

Popularity was also smile –vinegar merchant’s smile brought more customers than honey merchant’s frown.

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1. Stop breathing ozone immediately. You know you can if you try. 
2. Do not strike matches near an open nuclear power plant. 
3. Do not rub either your scalp or your bosom with the latest scientific breakthrough. 
4. Never sit next to strangers in movie theaters, churches, or hot tubs. 
5. Never ride with a teenager wearing a Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt. 
6. Do not store feminine hygiene products in a microwave oven. 
7. Avoid harmful fats — particularly those name Gloria. 
8. Never go swimming immediately after eating a day-old tuna and mayo sandwich. 
9. Avoid death-defying rides at amusement parks — especially those that have carried 10 million people without an accident. 
10. Avoid wearing tight designer jeans, since the dye used in some designer labels, when sat on by laboratory rats, caused dishpan tail. 
11. Avoid medical care by licensed physicians. Even if the treatment causes no harmful side-effects, the bill can prove fatal. 
12. Be satisfied with what you have. Stay away from pyramid parties, gurus, Nigerian email offers, and marriage counselors. 
13. Follow the wise though goofy suggestions above and you will have an excellent chance at survival. But just in case, always wear clean underwear. 

written by admin \\ tags: humor