Jan 12
Etiquette – such a pretty word. The very sound of it is classy – the kind of word you’d take home to meet Mother for a spot of tea and scones! Even its look, when written down is so “haute chic”. It must be good.
There are many forms of etiquette. Here are just a few I prepared earlier.
Wedding Etiquette: Don’t tell the bride your invitation never came – just assume she already knows and turn up anyway.
Restaurant Etiquette: USE THE SILVERWARE – DON’T STASH IT and strive to give the impression that French/Italian/Chinese/ whatever the cuisine speciality is/ is actually your first language (so never, I repeat, NEVER act surprised when your ordered dish arrives)
Table Etiquette: As above, except for the language bit. It should be noted, however, that “At-home-table Etiquette” allows for relaxing the silverware principle whenever the cricket’s on telly.
Dating Etiquette: “Yes” means “Yes”, “No” means “No” and “Maybe” means “Possibly, but really, well…. No.”
(“I’ll call you” and “Let me think about it” both mean “HELL, NO!”)
Teenage Etiquette: Whatever Thorpie does because…Like, you know, it’s coz it’s really sick and stuff but don’t say anything coz that’d be really gay. Got me?
Ah, etiquette. Unpretentious, yet so powerful. One can sense when Etiquette enters the room. Heads turn, faces smile and all seems right with the world.
Extend that hand, embrace that small talk, master the subtle topic change and breathe again.
written by admin
Jan 09
DENVER, CO – In a stunning development “They” have finally been revealed. As the source of incredible amounts of information, sometimes true and sometimes not, “They” are considered the experts in almost all fields. Comments like “They say to do this,” and, “They say that’s not good for you,” are finally able to have the noun to go with the pronoun. “Know it all”s all over the world can now breath a sigh of relief.
“They” are a couple in their early 60’s and were revealed to live in Denver, Colorado. Sam and Erma Goldstein officially confirmed that they are “They.” The Goldsteins were discovered when a TheKnish.com reporter illegally obtained and opened classified records stating that “They” had retired and moved to Denver.
“We enjoyed being “They”,” Erma Goldstein said, “But the pressure of always knowing so much gossip was crazy. We just needed a break from “Them”.” When asked to reveal who “Them” were, “They” quickly backpedaled and denied knowing the existence of “Them.”
Even though “They” have been revealed, “They” will continue to enlighten “The Rest of Us.” “The Rest of Us” are very relieved since so much information is revealed by “They” and “Them.” At press time reporters were still unable to locate “Someone else,” “Anyone” and “Not Me.”
written by admin
Dec 29
We all know someone who has bad breath. Still, you may not be current on all the slang associated with this unfortunate condition. Not to worry, my friend. I am here to provide you with more than a few descriptive phrases to use when referring to recurring bad breath, also known as halitosis. This is not meant to be amusing, but rather meant to provide a public service to those who want to classify people around them who have bad breath without appearing to be out of the loop. The last thing I want you to do is blurt out that someone simply has “bad breath” as that can be an unforgiveable social faux pas in the wrong crowd. To be safe, please refer to this list describing the malady in more current terms.
When someone exhibits bad breath, it is now said that they are:
- farting topside
- leaking some limburger
- melting the moustache
- burning tires on their tongue
- polluting the local environment
- exploring the limits of personal space with every exhalation
Just think of how much more poignant these remarks will be than the old standard of, “so and so has bad breath”. Now you too can appear “bad breath” savvy when reporting the condition. No need to thank me for this, helping others is what I do. I don’t recommend that you make these comment to the offending person, as they might give the impression of a lack of tact on your part. Besides, telling someone they have bad breath isn’t nearly as fun as telling someone else about them. Of course, no one would do this for the simple joy of gossiping about another’s misfortune. Like me, I’m certain you would merely be passing along vital information in the hope that it would work its way around to the intended recipient. This way, you have absolved yourself of the serious responsibility of telling someone their breath offends and placed that burden not so squarely on the shoulders of a mutual acquaintance. Devilishly brilliant, in my opinion.
written by admin