Dec 19
- Stop breathing ozone immediately. You know you can if you try.
- Do not strike matches near an open nuclear power plant.
- Do not rub either your scalp or your bosom with the latest scientific breakthrough.
- Never sit next to strangers in movie theaters, churches, or hot tubs.
- Never ride with a teenager wearing a Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt.
- Do not store feminine hygiene products in a microwave oven.
- Avoid harmful fats — particularly those name Gloria.
- Never go swimming immediately after eating a day-old tuna and mayo sandwich.
- Avoid death-defying rides at amusement parks — especially those that have carried 10 million people without an accident.
- Avoid wearing tight designer jeans, since the dye used in some designer labels, when sat on by laboratory rats, caused dishpan tail.
- Avoid medical care by licensed physicians. Even if the treatment causes no harmful side-effects, the bill can prove fatal.
- Be satisfied with what you have. Stay away from pyramid parties, gurus, Nigerian email offers, and marriage counselors.
- Follow the wise though goofy suggestions above and you will have an excellent chance at survival. But just in case, always wear clean underwear.
